if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
