Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
