i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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