Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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