got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize