Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
