Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
