i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
