dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Randomize
