All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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