I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
