Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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