If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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