Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
