I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
