Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
