I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
