You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
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