i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
