sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
