I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
