we have officially lost it.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
