Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
