I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
