I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
