I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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