Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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