dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Drake has all the answers
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
