I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
