im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
