Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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