Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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