The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Randomize
