My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
