I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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