Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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