Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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