Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize