Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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