Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
