just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
