Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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