It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
