I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
