just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
