There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
