i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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