I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i permit you to call me
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
