We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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