So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
