Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
