don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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