The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
