Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
