He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
