I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
