tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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