This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
