Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
